I CAN DO IT – I CAN!

A common belief is that confidence is a cloak or a set of skills that can be acquired in order to become more effective. Moreover, we often let a supposed lack of confidence stop us from doing things that we want to do.

TURN YOUR THINKING ON ITS HEAD

When I left my last husband, I was a mess. My confidence was so low that if I’d attended a workshop with a small group and been asked to speak, my voice would have been shaking, my hands would have been sweating, I would have been close to tears and I would have felt a fool. I also had a clear vision about what I wanted to do – help people to change their lives. The two didn’t go together!

My eldest daughter asked me to give a talk to a small group, and I got myself in a state of panic. A friend offered to come down and support me and on the way there, asked me how I was feeling about the talk. I told him I was in a complete panic, and when he asked me why, I replied, ‘I’ll get it all wrong, forget my words, people will think it’s awful, my voice will be shaking and I’ll make a fool of myself.’ I’ll never forget his next words. He asked me, ‘Why are you thinking about you?’ I was speechless for several minutes and then turned to him and thanked him. I realised in that moment that every time I had a confidence problem I was thinking about me. What would people think about me? Was I doing a good job? Did they like me and value what I was saying? I was focusing on what I could get, not on what I could give, when in fact I wasn’t there to think about me. My life changed in that moment because I realised that I had absolutely no control over what other people thought about me. My reputation was outside of me, something I could do nothing about, so I could let go of worrying about it. All I had to do was speak from my heart, go out there and give all that I had to give and let go of the rest. Since then, I’ve spoken to over a thousand people and, although I still get butterflies sometimes, I’m aware that if panic hits, I’m once again thinking about me. I entirely focus on what I can give and let go of the rest.

IT ONLY TAKES A MOMENT

Changing your thinking in this way can truly only take a moment. A young women that attended one of my workshops was so nervous that her voice was shaking when she introduced herself at the beginning of the day and was still very wobbly by lunchtime. At the end of the day, I asked individuals to turn to the person next to them and tell them something that they really liked and appreciated about that person. I knew that this lovely young women would really panic at the thought of doing this so I told her my story before asking her to do so. I suggested that all she did was look at the person next to her and really think about what she could say to the person that could make the feel good about themselves. I suggested she let go of everything else and forget there was anyone else in the room. She managed to do this brilliantly. Two weeks later she came back on day three of the programme. She was literally transformed. She is now one of my top trainers!

HERE’S AN IDEA FOR YOU

Think of a situation that you currently avoid as it makes you nervous, such as speaking your mind in front of colleagues or your boss, joining a club to meet new people or going to a party where you don’t know anyone. Completely let go of how you feel about yourself and think about what you can give to others in this situation, such as giving your colleagues the courage to open up themselves, giving your boss a chance to understand you better or meeting a shy person at the party and showing him care and support. Promise yourself that you’ll do one thing each week, however small, where previously you held back through lack of confidence and see how differently you begin to feel.